Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
