I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
