it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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