I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
