My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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