I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
