There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Still dying that you shit outside
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
