I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
