"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
