I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
