omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
