He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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