you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
