Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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