There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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