I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
