I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
