i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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