My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
