The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize