cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
