And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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