I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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