when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize