I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
