last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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