I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
