You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We have so much sex to catch up on
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
