So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
