oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
