I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize