Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My life is pants optional.
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