I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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