Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
3pm strippers are depressing
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
