In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
