I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
