i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you inspire me to be a worse person
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
