And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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