I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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