I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
