it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
