if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
3 2 1 whiskey
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
