She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
