somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
