Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
