I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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