I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
