Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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