Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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