I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
