onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
