Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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