Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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