Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
