I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
