you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
