I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
